November 16, 2002
-
I just wrote something on usenet. I though I’d ‘blog it.
(On the difference between self-esteem and self-awareness…)
Self-esteem seems to be the result of something, rather than a cause. You do something and you end up with self-esteem, either good or bad or neither. Maybe self-esteem is a value judgement you make on your own behavior.
I think self-awareness is different because it’s an unvarnished, un-judgemental set of knowledge you have about yourself. For instance, I *know* that certain things are very difficult for me to do. If I didn’t know this, I might develop low self-esteem because I had an unrealistic expectation of being able to do those things. But since I do know about my difficulties, I might not feel so bad about them. Conversely, there are things that I *know* I absolutely kick ass at doing, and these things result in a higher self-esteem. Then again, I could be assigning artificial competence to myself, which means my high self-esteem would be a false one. I’d still feel good about myself, though.
I think a lot of relatively non-self-aware people feel threatened by anyone who is critical of themselves. That is, if I’m with certain people, and I voice my frustration about communication or executive dysfunction, they say, “Don’t be so hard on yourself…” I think this is because any self-criticism that ends up being true is threatening to their own self-esteem. If *my* self-criticism could be true, then it could also be true that *their* doubts about themselves are true, as well. After all, they could offer some constructive advice, rather than telling me how wrong I am about my own feelings. Instead they try to prove me wrong.
I also think that people who face these kinds of issues head-on, as a matter of course, and who develop an accurate understanding of themselves, are more likely to remain unthreatened by another person’s self-criticism.
Just some thoughts.
Comments (6)
people who say “don’t be so hard on yourself” are not only not examining themselves, but don’t really care for your self-examination.
it’s the “it’s all good” mentality. which is bullshit.
People who say “don’t be so hard on yourself” just might not be interested in being around negativity, which can sometimes be viewed as self-pity.
We’re friends (?) with a guy who’s been needy for two years. He’s never bbeen on the “give” side of the equation… only “take”. He’s always examining himself, and it gets tiresome for other people. We keep hoping he’ll look outside of himself one day.
I’m not saying you’re like that… I’m not around you enough to know. Just some thoughts, based on my experiences.
Sadzi seems to be equating self-awareness with negativity and self-involvement–which it can be, of course. In my experience, very few people are self-aware. Their self-esteem depends more on comparison of themselves with others than on their objective understanding of their own strengths and weaknesses. Self-awareness is the most important tool for getting a grip on your life. And those who prefer to wallow in phoney self-esteem resent anyone who makes use of that tool.
No no… self-awareness can be wonderful. Homer’s obviously not just aware of the drawbacks of being who he is, he’s aware of what he’s really good at, too. I’ve been around him some, and he’s enjoyable to be around. Honest.
The self-pity thing is what some people can delve into. Like I said, I’m around a person who does this — a LOT. He blames it on self-awareness, but really, he’s just a taker. Two years is a long time to be needy, ya know?
This guy’s name is Will. I’m NOT talking about Homer here.
Gee…what a bunch of cynics…does their ALWAYS have to be some hidden selfish motive behind things? :grins:
When I say “don’t be to hard on yourself” to someone, its because…*GASP*…they are someone I like and I hate to see someone I like beating themselves up over something out of proportion to what I see as their positives. Or sometimes I believe they are putting 2 and 2 together and coming out with 5.
If they are beating up on themselves over something valid (IMHO) in valid proportions, I don’t say “don’t be to hard on yourself”. I try to be supportive.
If its someone I don’t care about about, I’m not even having that conversation. :grins:
Sometimes a cigar…is JUST a cigar folks.
Sej, I have a bit of a unique situation in that things that are mild setbacks for other people are absolute barriers for me. Sometimes talking to people about it yields frustration because they just don’t get it. Those people sometimes say things like, “You’re being hard on yourself,” within the context of mild setback, when in fact the context is absolute barrier.
That’s the thing I didn’t do a very good job of explaining in the ‘blog.
Comments are closed.