October 30, 2002
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Well, recently I talked about potentially moving. I said I wanted a $600 mother-in-law apartment in a quiet part of town.
That day, I found three advertised (one was $700, but it’s in a NICE place).
I’m mulling this over, because living with people makes me miserable. It’s just a fact of life. It’s not that they’re horrible or that I’m unreasonable; it’s more like an allergy. Some people just can’t be around ragweed, and that’s that.
I keep hearing myself say that I’m tired, both in the ‘exhausted’ sense and the ‘tired of…’ sense. I’m looking at this house, and while it’s pretty nice, it’s also a place no one wants to really put any effort into. It’s a rental, and everyone’s transient. As long as the kitchen’s clean and the dishes are washed, no big deal. The latest set of folks exemplify this attitude, leaving stuff all over the place.
There’s an attitude of faux concern and lack of common definition. That is, when you hear the words, “Homer, it’s OK to say no to this,” you are being lied to. And when someone says they just want things to be ‘casual,’ what they really mean is that they want to stomp all over your territory without feeling regret.
I have a real problem in that it’s incredibly difficult for me to communicate all this back out. Being territorial with any sense of grace doesn’t come naturally to me. It all comes in just fine, but it stays put because, well, I’m autistic. One housemate complains to me (not in a chiding voice, but as an actual complaint) that I don’t communicate enough. The problems I have with a third housemate are bringing her down, and so it’s my fault for not adjusting the emotional atmosphere on her schedule. And she can get away with it, too, because I can’t communicate the sheer hypocrisy of that back to her, for the very same reason.
It’s like blaming the guy in the wheelchair for needing a ramp. There’s no blame in needing the wheelchair, just as there’s no blame in the fact that there’s no ramp; it’s just a problem to be solved. And this is exactly the way this person talks about solving problems, but when it comes to actually doing it, we end up with Homer feeling shit on. Because he has been shit on.
And this isn’t ranting and arguing unpleasantly with housemates. This is all very agreeable and nice and swell, because that’s what I’ve spent my whole life learning to do: Not make waves, not stake my claim.
The sad fact is that my neurology precludes me from being anything but even-handed zen master. Except that I’m not even-handed zen master; I’m milquetoast punching bag.
If I move and be alone, they win and I pay $300+ more a month for rent. If I stand up, I’ll end up feeling miserable in a way different from feeling miserable for not standing up, so it doesn’t really matter who ‘wins.’
WTF?
Comments (6)
You don’t HAVE to pay that much more a month, do you? (I mean, you said some opportunities presented themselves, right? Can you look for CHEAPER opportunities? Are there any out there?)
In any case, I hear ya. I just moved in with a new roommate yesterday. This outta be interesting. (And I’m not even autistic!!!)
Maybe you just need a beer? If you do, email me!
(((hugs)))
hmm…tough situation…
i’d live alone even if it were more money, b/c the issues just aren’t going to disappear. i’m similar in a way in that i never bring up my grievances in situations, even if i’m getting screwed. i’m always the one compromising in order to “keep the peace”.
anyhow, good luck….
[and if you find any cheap rentals, let me know...i'm planning on moving to seattle.
]
If you move to someplace by yourself at least you have to choice of who to invite into your life… that’s something I value, even if one of the problems I have is that although I’ve an ‘approchable’ person I don’t make friends easily… I have 3 or 4 VERY important people in my life and that really is about it.
I need some casual ‘chat when I’m feeling blue’ friends, or ‘stop in for coffee’ friends. ya know.
when i was living with my college roommates i had the same problem. i just followed along with whatever they decided, didn’t really stand up for what i thought. it made me a fantastic roommate for the most part, but when we continued to try to live together for the year after college, I really went into hermit mode. a lot of factors played into causing my hermit mode but a big factor was that these were my best friends and i didn’t have the heart to admit that they were driving me batty. we moved into separate places after that year and we’ve gotten along great since then. better even, because we can all live our ways without feeling the guilt of “it’s my week to do dishes and they’re not done” or “we really should go talk to her but it’s too awkward.” maybe it’s just time for you to move on.
Well Hell Homer, I don’t blame you for feeling tired of of your current place and wanting to move. If I were living with people who sound like such selfish and inconsiderate children as your roomies I’d be feeling tired, run down and looking for an escape too.
Now here is something I don’t get. Why do some people accept that if you’re renting it’s ok to just let the place go…not put any effort into taking care of things. Where is the basic sense of pride, repect and decency? :sighs:
All I can say is that your roomies are lucky I’m not living there.
I’m not really “territorial” but I’m very clear and expressive when someone has exceeded the maximization of their freedoms to where it’s interfereing with those of others. And no…it isn’t fair if you have to move and end up paying the extra $300. Personally I’d try to encourage my roomies to “grow up” and think about something that isn’t centered around their needs/desires behave in a more considerate responsible manner.
I’ll admit that I can’t fathom why you’ll end up feeling miserable if you stand up to them being jackasses. Hell, you might be doing them a favor (in terms of helping mature their personality) by standing up. Sounds like they could use a reality check that the universe doesn’t have a tag on the bottom with their name on it. :grins:
Ok I’m done. Wow, I’m really angry at your room-mates right now. :chuckles: I can call and tell them off for you if you like. No charge, I haven’t got to use my blackbelt in bastardry in months now. :smiles:
NO! It’s not a “they win” situation at all. You are ultimately in charge of your own independence, and whether you choose to have it or not. Some people are just hard to live with. If living alone is too expensive, what about having one roommate rather than three?
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