July 18, 2002

• I’m still in Houston. It’s a nice familiar (in the strict sense of that word) place, and has helped me get back to center.
  
  See, in New Braunfels I had a bit of something approaching an anxiety attack. I spent most of my time there in the motel room, trying to get my feet out the door.
  
  This isn’t a new thing for me. In fact, it’s kind of the defining dynamic of my life, unfortunately. It can take me a few days to get over such an episode, and I think I’ve managed it, and now I’m full of energy waiting to be turned to momentum.
  
  Now to figure out where to put it.
  
  Being in Houston always fills me with plans. I find it easy to think about business ventures and all kinds of projects. And this is why Houston’s a sad place for me. The uphill battle aspects of my life always come into sharp focus, because the plans seem so clear and manageable.
  
  I think this planning and scheming is an old habit from when I lived here full-time. I got myself into the habit of seeing what was possible, in order to motivate myself towards anything. Make too many plans, fail at most of them, succeed in one or two. It turns out this isn’t a very good strategy for me, because I get overwhelmed by options.
  
  I have to retain focus. That’s what happens in Seattle, I think. I’m more focused on one or two things instead of the zillions of ideas I’m in the habit of having here.
  
  Or maybe geography is just a convenient scapegoat. I dunno.

  • 1:45 pm
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