July 19, 2007

  • Stuff

    I’ve been working on a thing. I’ve noticed that if I talk about the things I’m doing, I tend to start viewing them as done for some reason, so I won’t talk about it.

    I’ve also been working on this thing to distract myself from the fact that I let myself down. I never called the guy about the other thing, some volunteer work at a national historical site. Again, an example of talking about it being good enough, rather than actually doing it.

    Also, it’s such a big deal for me to work stuff out with people that just arranging the setup for the work seems like work enough to some part of me. I want to say, “Hey, I’m showing up tomorrow, and then it’ll be done,” but it’s not like that. I have to email the guy, and then he emails me, and then I email back, and then he emails back and tells me to call him, and then I leave town, and then I’m back in town, and then I email him, and then he emails me back telling me to call him… Sometimes I think I’m being too hard on myself about this kind of thing, but the way I’ve gone about it has been ridiculous, if not rude.

    It all comes back to the two mes. There’s the me that’s in the real world, and the me that’s doing all it can to avoid the world. They each resent having to put up with the other. The in-the-world me is the one talking to you now. It has the language and the desire to do things that are at least interesting. The avoid-the-world me is the one that lets me stay seated in this chair, that keeps me in the van while I’m traveling, and in fact enjoys driving for four days down an interstate it’s already seen ten times, noticing the small things that have changed, the manageable ones.

    Neither is in charge, though of course they both lay the claim.

Comments (8)

  • this had a powerful feel, because, I tread those lines at times. I know this place

  • Come on over to this end of the bar. I’ll buy you a drink.

  • familiar territory…

  • This is sorta odd, but I had a dream that costarred you.

    I walked into a restaurant which had a VW van parked outside. Somehow I knew it was yours. After some of the usual restaurant formalities like getting a table, I just shouted out “Homer!”

    You came over, we met, smiling and shook hands. Then we sat and didn’t talk.

    Heh.

  • Once the window’s closed, there no point in standing there wishing.  Move on to another window.

  • Make mine a double.

    And maybe it’s time for a “I had a dream about HomerTheBrave’s van” blogring, now that there’s at least two of us :)

  • Sometimes living for the moment is really ok, for in a moment it’s gone.  Some things will always be “unmanagable,” but the key is recognizing it (as you seem to). 

  • Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “If you want to keep a man from doing something get him to talk about it.”

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