September 11, 2006
-
Stuck
Sometimes I get stuck. Overwhelmed by options.
It’s hard to talk about. Anything I say sounds, to someone who’s normal, as if I’m just lazy or unfocused or whatever. But it’s not. This is my disability.
I’m not confused. I’m crystal clear about everything. It’s just the action that’s difficult.
The thing that happens is that somehow my mind finds one thing to be concerned about. Like, right now, I’m thinking about how my van needs a new catalytic converter. And how until I get it, I really shouldn’t drive the van much, and since I can’t drive the van much, I have to work out how I’ll deliver the book order that someone made. And because the post office is closed, I can’t deliver the book. And because there’s a single problem in the queue that’s going to have to wait until tomorrow, the rest goes to shit. I’ll obsess about the book. I can’t package it yet, though, because then I’ll ‘lose’ it, and it’ll register as having been done, and I’ll have to continually remind myself that it’s only part-way done.
So there are a million things I need to do in the next week, and I think I can do most of them, except I’m stuck. I usually get unstuck by getting pissed off at myself, and that’s no fun. Or I get unstuck by letting deadlines float right by as if they never were. And that’s not responsible.
Van catalytic converter, book to post office, walk to post office on top of hill instead of drive. Not much of a problem to solve. And I’ll do it tomorrow, but for now, I’m here at the computer trying to work up some self-loathing so I can take care of things while treading water, waiting for the post office to open. I might even have a hard time getting to sleep tonight.
Kinda sucks.
Comments (6)
I had to laugh a little bit, because boy do I understand. One of my biggest things along this line is when I get so many things in my queue, I get overwhelmed, and I just retreat from them in one way or another…like right now, when I should be digging into calc and all that, yet I am here…
I feel ya.
You talk about normal people as if you know some.
Naw, I know whatcha mean. While I wouldn’t say I’m “normal” by any stretch of the imagination, I know that you have unique issues that I could not begin to understand. But, having some of my own that other people don’t understand, either, I can certainly sympathize and somewhat relate.
I hope you get some sleep tonight.
Sorry, I’m new to your blog. What disability do you have? I’m just wondering, cuz all that sounds like me. There are times when I get so nuts I can’t even pick up the phone to make a friggin’ appointment. Then I get mad at myself for NOT taking care of what needs to be done. Then I REALLY don’t want to do anything. Then the important stuff gets neglected until I somehow snap out of it. Then I’m off to the races again!
It’s too bad there’s no ctrl-alt-del option for that.
There *is* a ctrl-alt-delete option, but it involves alcohol and/or illegal drugs.