June 12, 2006

  • Self-Loathing

    I'm very hard on myself. Of any criticism a person could heap on me, I've beat them to it. Stand in line, take a number, you critics!

    I've developed a theory about it, too. I call it the Theory Of Motivation. Being critical of myself, and generally carrying around a non-normal amount of self-loathing, enables me to get things done. Most people don't think of self-criticism as enabling, but in my case it's required in many instances.

    I find myself having to hate myself in order to motivate my autistic neurology into taking action. Sort of like a drill seargant threatening the new recruits into shape. And I have to do this a lot. It's ongoing.

    And, also in my oh-so-ultra-special case, I can see it for what it is. It's simply a state of being, though not a pleasant one. I mourn the fact that I sometimes have to go there, but mainly I can approach it with some detachment. I feel the hurt and it eventually metabolizes into activity.

    This is very complex, and not something most people would undersand, I think. Most people don't see the value of being hard on themselves, and if I weren't autistic, the Theory Of Motivation wouldn't have much value for me, either. But because I exist in a state of autistic in-between-ness, where I often get stuck in behavioral and intellectual loops, something has to provide the impetus to break out of those loops. It turns out a certain kind of pain is a motivator. Feeling good just reinforces being stuck as a pleasant experience.

    I end up with a dilemma: Which kind of misery do I want? If I'm stuck and feeling good, or at least not feeling bad, then I'm frustrated with being stuck. If I'm stuck and feeling bad, then I'm feeling bad, but at least that version of bad motivates autistic-me as much as intellectual-me.

    I think a lot of people go through this kind of thing, without being aware of it. I think that people sometimes feel terrible as a way to get what they ultimately want. And I have to wonder if those people have chosen the best thing to want, if they're going to put themselves through that in order to get it. Especially if they're not aware that's what they're doing.

Comments (7)

  • Well, we are often trained when we are young: "No pain, no gain". We have to really dive head-first into something if we are going to accomplish it. And sometimes, the only way to get the motivation to jump in, is if something behind us is WORSE than the jump. So, we fabricate pain in order to make the leap.

    Not sure if this is exactly what you were getting at, but that's what *I* took away from it. And I don't know how many other people act like this, but I know I do on some occasions. After 40 years on this planet, I think I've gotten to the point where I can just get a little ahead of things and just DO IT without the pain. But this is a new thing with me and doesn't ALWAYS work.

  • This is a can of worms. If being conscious is the aim then anything done consciously brings us closer to the realization of our goal and is therefore, in that context, good. I do not subscribe to the theory people can be consciously evil though they can be unconsciously "good", which, to my present state of mind, is not good.

    I wonder, also, if part of the pain thing isn't connected with the autism thing? Great post. Thanks for sharing.

  • I think I use the loathing (it really is loathing sometimes) to overcome the inertia of autism. That's what I was trying to say. I think other people do this, too, even if they aren't autistic.

  • Get a good woman instead. They motivate you like spinach motivates Popeye. I've written sixty-five pages of my book in the <1 month since I met Cordie in person. But then my problem has always been a lack of reasons to care enough to do things.

    Really, though, the trick seems to be to wake oneself up, one way or another. Something to shake you out of a comfortable routine. Individual means and mileage may vary.

  • I'm not autistic, but I certianly have an (un)Healthy amount of self-hatred that keeps me continually moving towards my next goal.  It's helped me to earn degrees, become a fairly decent juggler, and stay in shape.  The only downside is that I'll probably have a shorter life for it because the adrenaline *rush* that motivates me comes from a negative energy source.  Interesting blog.

    P.S. You're one of the Xanga Ancients, I think I remember you from way back in the day (Later 2001, early 2002) 

  • What i took from your piece (if i am correct in saying or analyzing) is the keen conscious level you have when transferring through these mood phases.  I feel that i have always had a supreme level of consciousness and it truly pushed me through my adolescent days.  I never went through the dilemma of being a teen-ager, I just knew where I was at that level.  When working through issues at home in my personal life – I can be as far down as I want to ever go, but watching my ride down and being aware of my transcendence upward.  I am not sure where I am going with this and I don’t want to over stay my stay; but I think this is very unique and I think your life would be in far greater turmoil at times if you weren’t so intensely cognizant.  It truly is a motivator.  I could go on and on, but I will be polite and just say good bye.  Thank you for your blog.  I read it with great interest and assimilation.

  • For me, the self-criticism/-loathing is more the *result* of being unmotivated, and doesn't work very well as a prod. Competition is a pretty good motivator : ).  But usually the thing that keeps me from getting around to things I want to do is fear. Once I step back and analyze it, and I can say "I am afraid of this, but it's an irrational fear" or "I am justifiably afraid of this, but it's worth the risk" motivation ceases to be a problem. Once I sweep the path clear in my head, it's much more inviting to my feet.

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