November 24, 2004

• I'm wrestling with the question of meaning. And the reason I'm wrestling with it, is to fill my headspace with the question, and the doubt surrounding it, because I'm scared shitless of actually finding it.

  See, I think I know where to find meaning in my life. At the moment, it's pretty meaningless. It's pretty well non-fulfilling. And there are things I could try, things I could do, that would likely enhance the upside of the question, rather than the doubt. But I'm terrified of those things.

  Earlier today I was looking at volunteer opportunities on the web.

  Now, I want to stop, and point out that when I typed as far as 'looking at' in the sentence above, I stopped and my mind drifted off. I started thinking about specifics involved in the various volunteer opportunities. I started thinking about all the hard stuff, all the easy stuff, and all the other stuff that'd be involved in any of it. My mind wants to fight itself on this, sending up these images of the specifics to keep me from thinking (and writing) about how deeply those images actually terrify me. The strategy works, too, because in addition to being distracted from writing about it, part of me is further terrified by those images. This is the kind of uphill battle I'm fighting all the time.

  So the deal is that I was looking at these volunteer opportunities, and there are a lot of really interesting things going on around here.

  The Seattle Audobon Society is just down the road, and they need help with data entry and mass mailings, and they need someone to maintain their web site. To maintain their site, I'd have to learn ASP and .NET, which I'd rather not, but the other things I could do.

  They have a store where you can buy bird-related stuff, like seed and feeders to put it in, and binoculars, and so forth. But since it's Seattle, they also sell shade-grown organic coffee imported from countries on the southern end of migratory patterns of birds that fly through western Washington. Which I thought was kind of cool.

  There's also an organization called the Institute for Responsible Consumerism, which seeks to be a clearinghouse for more information than you wanted to know about the products you buy. They need a web site architect. And if you look at their web site, you'd probably think you could do a better job, no matter what your level of expertise or political inclination.

  There's a project in the very early stages called Dog Town, that's a dog-centric housing subdivision, except it's for rescue dogs. One of those wild-eyed dreamer type things, but certainly an interesting proposition. They're looking for planners, designers, and backers.

  And there's an animal rescue organization in Lynnwood that needs people to come out and walk dogs once a week. Which I think is the level of responsibility I'm capable of.

  And this realization, that I don't feel up to the other things, is a hard pill to swallow. I'm more than qualified to do just about anything as a volunteer, but it all seems so distant and impossible. In the realm of trying to find meaning, how much of the void could be filled by walking dogs?

  • 2:58 am
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