September 29, 2004
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I'm glad to have gotten decent feedback on my entry about having a sort of fit or meltdown or whatever you want to call it. Like I said, there's a lot missing, and re-reading it now, I can see the more problematic omssions very clearly.
I don't know what to do with it, either. I want to talk about it, but there's no one to talk about it *with.* There are good friends and family I could tell about it, but there's really no common ground for understanding it. I know some of them would worry (and probably are worried right now). If there had been someone around when it happened, they wouldn't have understood, and I might have ended up in an ambulance. Then again, the fact that no one was around brings to mind some unpleasant notions about possible outcomes.
This is the particular kind of loneliness I have in my life. I want a certain life for myself, but I'm ill-equipped to pursue it. I want people around me, but that's the same as asking them to be around a guy who might have a panic attack, or end up on the floor in a bizarre fetal position for a couple hours. Or, more practically, live with a guy who will never be comfortable in his own skin. Makes it kind of hard to interview for housemates, eh?
I want a dog, the kind you can train to help you through a seizure or similar, but I need a house and a yard for that. Also enough income for kibbles and vet bills.
I want a house, a big one. A Craftsman with a big porch and a big front room for hosting salons and meetings. An upstairs where I'll live and a downstairs where friends can come and go, read my books, watch my movies, listen to my CDs, and I can kick them out if I need to. Cleaning service. Organic produce delivered. WiFi for the neighborhood. Potlach and intense political discussion once a week.
Or alone in Lake City rolled up on the floor in a meltdown. Gawd, it's so pathetic.
Comments (5)
You know, it's not some kind of punishment to 'ask' people to be around someone who might have a panic attack or other type of seizure. I understand your hesitance to expose people to this...maybe you feel it would be a burden? So far from the truth.
And I hope you pursue the assistance dog...many of the dogs they use are of temperment & size so that they're fine in apartments...perhaps you could get a subsidy to help with costs.
Btw, when (WHEN) you get that house, can I come kick back on the porch? Sounds heavenly...
Maybe I'll join you. We'll find the house (southwest side?) and work on disability empathy together. I've got the dog.
i want to thank you for being so open. while i have worked with children for years with "meltdown" issues, i have never had one begin to explain what it feels like as fluently as you. hang in there.
As I was driving around the city tring to find an all night record store because this seems like something that should exist, I was thinking about this...about this blog...about how lonely it gets but also how this is a symptom of being who we are...can't articulate that lonliness and alienation to exactly the people who might want or be able to help us not overcome it (which I realize they would think) but deal with it in a maybe slightly more productive and positive way. I mean I sit in the corner, rock back and forth, pull out my hair one by one and talk to myself AND why would anyone volunteer to be around that? so i get ya. I get ya but that doesn't help.
I think that opening up in a blog is a good start. Even though anyone can come on and type gibberish or give you negative feedback there are at least a few people who understand or at least are compassionate. You may find that there are people you know in real life who are the same. It is just easier to tell a bunch of people who are just names on a computer screen.
One thing that will help is it is easy to see who your friends are. Not everyone would be able to handle the type of episodes you describe, but a genuine compassionate person would easily be able to learn how with a little bit of help from you. These people aren't the majority but they are out there.
You also might be able to help people by describing it like you did. It will make it easier to understand.
You have been given challenges that most people don't have to face. You have also been given great gifts to balance them out.
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