February 12, 2004
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Last night I went to a mid-price Asian fusion noodle house, because it was close to the place where I was going to buy groceries. And if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you should never buy groceries while you’re hungry.
I was alone, natch, and while I wasn’t underdressed, I make exactly zero effort to look hip or trendy. This meant that, natch, I got shitty service. The party behind me was seated before I was, and when they finally deigned to give me a table, it was the one sticking right out into foot traffic by the entrance. There was another table in the corner, away from the loud and chaotic, so I asked the guy, hey.. can I sit there instead? He rolled his eyes and gave me a nasty look, but let me switch.
So I sat there forever and finally got to order, and sat there forever waiting for my tea, and then sat there forever waiting for my pho. The pho broth’s overwhelming main flavoring was onions. Like, they had put more onions in the stock than just about anything else. I’m OK with onions, but raw onion soup wasn’t what I had in mind.
But by this point it was a dare. It was a test, a challenge. I can take anything you dish out, you service-industry assholes! If I ate lots of noodles without much broth, it was acceptable. Plus, I added a bunch of the spicy sauce.
I had to flag the waitress down to get more water, to get more hot water for my tea, to get my check. True to the solitary dining experience, no one gives a shit about you. And this is because you’re only ordering one dinner, and fifteen percent of one dinner is half as much as fifteen percent of two.
Yes, it all boils down to tips. Not whether you have a pleasant dining experience, but how much take-home your waitress will end up with. Which, ironically, is a self-fulfilling prophecy, because if they treat you like shit, you don’t tip them, so single diners end up having a reputation for being poor tippers. Which means it’s OK to treat them like shit.
And with this in mind, I gave a huge tip. But I wrote a note on the currency in large, unignorable letters: THE SERVICE SUCKED.
Zao gets a zero.
Comments (4)
You could be like Steve Martin in The Lonely Guy and pretend to take notes for your restaurant review column while you eat alone… worked for him.
Excellent.
whenever I eat out alone I always tip 20 or more percent and am the sweetest, nicest customer they have had in ages, why? to make the waitron feel extra shitty for not bringing me water the first time I asked.
It’s entirely too passive aggressive for a being as evolved as you, but me, that’s how I get back at them…guilt.
HAHAHAHAHA!!! I’m glad you did that. One time this guy served us and was a total asshole. We left a big tip, but I think it was partially out of fear since he was so mean! Next time, I will be sure to follow your example.