August 25, 2003

  • Having Asperger's Syndrome sometimes feels like a slug crawling over an upright razor blade. The barriers are real, but there are ways around them, if you have the intestinal fortitude.

    I really wonder about my future. Even just thinking about it, I'm gripped with an overwhelming... something. Akin to rage. Akin to fear. It's just a big feeling, the kind of thing that makes you want to put your head through a wall. It's like being on fire.

    So when I think about my future, it's full of images of me with a job, me with friends, me at some kind of peace with myself. And that's when I know it's wishful thinking. I'm not up to the task. I'm a slug crawling across a razor blade already, without putting in the effort required to, for instance, keep friends.

    Imagine grief. Imagine the grief someone might feel if they learned they'd never be able to use their legs again. Now imagine that the grief is about something inside your mind, something that will never change, something that will always box you in. Imagine if there were a reason to have grief about something as fundamental as breathing, or needing to piss from time to time. How would you make peace with it? Would you just not piss or stop breathing? Would you deny that grief matters? Would you just try to deal, and get over it?

    What if it were impossible to get over it? What if there were no escape from it, no matter what you did? You spend a third of a century dealing with it, and it doesn't get any easier.

    You cover it up. You distract yourself. You occupy your mind with obscure information and prevarications so it doesn't seem to matter that nothing works and you'll never fit in or belong.

    I can take a vacation from my situation, but I can't take a vacation from my skull.

Comments (6)

  • That sounds like it hurts, crawling on that blade and all...

    I wish there was some easier way to get your dream future without having to do the tasks that you're not up to doing. I feel the same about certain areas of my life, but luckily, not ALL.

    My problem is MAKING the necessary changes and then dropping from exhaustion for a month afterward. While I feel the change is positive in the long run, and will make my future better, I collapse MAKING the change. So, I have to allow for a large adjustment period after doing it. It sucks, actually. Especially since I'm right smack-dab in the middle of one such change again.

  • {{HUGS}}

  • I feel like everyone around me has the secret and won't let me in on it.

  • We *DO* have the secret weasle...and we talk about it behind your back.  ;)

  • hmmm, would you mind if I e-mailed you about this sometime?

  • an amazing thing about human beings is that they are so endlessly adaptable that they have the potential to pull miracles out of their misery.

    you can be a razor tongued poet whispering in the background of the mass consciousness and do more good than one social engineering leader of the pack in high school. you have a textural way with words that can get across some incredibly complex ideas. that's a gift.
    we all have our deficiences. knowing them is the first step to working around them.

    find a way to get off the razor blade. do you need that blade? if you do, what do you need, and can it only be found on the sharp end?

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