July 28, 2003

• I'm tired in a way I haven't been tired for a really long time. The little anxiety thing yesterday, and then visiting some folks today, and I'm way out of it. This is how I used to feel when I was living with housemates.
  
  I've basically been watching TV all night, in zombie mode, and I'm wiped. Just gone. I'm hoping I'll have it together again by the time I leave for Nashville in a couple of days. I'm going to spend a week at my grandma's 100th birthday party (and doing other things, too), which will also be a sort of family reunion. I'm looking forward to it and dreading it simultaneously.
  
  I'm thinking more and more about what's possible and what isn't. Having this chance to be alone and hermit-like for so long, and then feeling the stifle I put myself through just to spend an afternoon with some friends... I can't imagine myself sharing a house with anybody.
  
  I'm also seeing in greater relief where the jagged edges and fault lines are between me and normal. Over the years, I've spent a lot of time and effort trying to delude myself into thinking those differences were non-existant, or that they weren't really relevant. Denial is really the only strategy available when you have an undiagnosed neurological disorder, don't you think?
  
  The over-the-head-with-a-2x4 differences have lost much of their wham, since I find myself caring less and less that I'm a freak. But the subtle things are poking up out of the murk, and it's not so easy to map them out. Lists forthcoming.
  
  I still have to remind myself of a lot of things, though. I have to think about this stuff while I'm in it, and find a way to deal. Often, that just means reminding myself that I obviously come from another planet, so chill out, d00d.
  

  • 5:45 am
  • 1 Comment