July 27, 2003

  • I was bad tonight.

    There’s a new Krispy Kreme on Aurora highway, and I went and got some of their sugary donut crack.

    It really is crack. It’s got all the attendant psychoactive properties. There’s an initial euphoric buzz, a slowly down-ramping sort of elated feeling, and then a crash at the end. Fortunately, my belly is feeling a little extra acidic after eating the thing, so I’m not possessed of any desire to go get more. But if the stomach could do it, I’m sure there would be people who have to keep eating Krispy Kremes or suffer withdrawals.

    I had my crash a few hours ago, and it brought with it a sort of free-floating self-loathing, where I can’t stop obsessing about some stuff that’s less than comfortable.

    Thanks, Krispy Kreme!

    Actually, the donuts aren’t fully to blame. I had a sort of mini anxiety attack at Trader Joe’s earlier today. I was OK with the fact that the place was a little crowded, and I was OK with the long checkout lines, but then they rang a big old BELL that startled me. Why did they have to do THAT?

    It unfolded like this, after the bell rang: A sudden realization came over me that there would be no way for me to stand in that line with all those people. Then I realized that the bell had startled me. Then the realization that my heart was racing and I was operating on adrenaline.

    I went to put back the stuff I had in my basket. Just two items. I had a 4-pack of ginger beer, and as I was putting it back on the shelf, its packaging ripped and it almost fell to the floor. So I had this image in my head, where I was watching the bottles crash to the floor in slow motion. A veritable Sam Peckinpaw movie. All heads in the aisle turn to look at me. I’m turning around, looking at them, trying to find a clerk to tell, and then, in my imagination, my anxiety moment turns into a full-blown panic, and I’m unable to move or explain to anyone what’s going on. So I quit having that fantasy, put back the soy milk, and head for the door, eyes forward, trying not to run into people.

    There’s this Buddhist theory that memory and imagination are sense organs as much as eyes and ears and tongue. And they’re right. If I imagine that I’m having a panic attack, I can start having one outside my head, too.

    I think there’s some residual panicky energy in there somewhere, and it hasn’t been expressed or metabolized, and so I’m over here hating myself after a sugar crash.

    Grr.

Comments (6)

  • ouch. scary!
    my best friend Jeff occassionally has panic attacks and he describes them very close to the way that you have described this one. we’ve been working through it together, but mostly he stays home.
    he definitely steers clear of TJ’s. sadly, that place is sometimes. just. too. much.
    even for the likes of me.

  • From one Pavlovian dog to another, I so understand Krispy Kreme.

  • I’ve had panic attacks VERY similar to what you described many, many times. There are certain places and situations that are definitely my trigger to panic. Markets such as Trader Joe’s are at the top of my list. I try to mitigate it by only going during their slow times, such as fairly early in the morning or in the middle of the day.

    Of course, I’m overdue for a huge trip the the grocery store today. Sigh. *must resist urge to bolt*

  • Stores make me crazy.  I almost always wind up crying in them and my husband is so completely insensitive to this that it makes it worse.  Weed will start to freak out and I wind up getting my way, taking her to the car and not having people around me, but at a very high cost.

  • i’ve found that once i begin to get frazzled things start breaking and i lose all sense of coordination unless i manage to chill myself out again. like my mind extends to s sphere of inflence slightly outside myself.

  • I feel your panic.

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