April 14, 2003

  • Not long ago I ‘blogged about executive dysfunction as it relates to housework.

    I don’t think I made myself clear.

    My life feels like shit if anything is at all messy. My life feels like shit if I’m incapable of transforming the mess into absolute perfection. My life feels like shit because I’m incapable of maintaining that kind of perfection, even if I manage to achieve it in the short term. My life feels like shit because I can’t even start trying because it will invariably make me feel like shit for the previous reasons.

    I got a response and an email saying, essentially, ‘That’s no big deal. It’s called ‘housework.”

    And AS I EXPLAINED, it’s not the housework. It’s the OBSESSIVE CRAP IN MY HEAD that CAUSES IT to NOT GET DONE.

    And that, my friends, IS EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION.

    So I’m living in a dusty house full of unwashed dishes and laundry and clutter, the exact oppsite of what I need, and yet it’s the only thing I can manage, despite my best intentions and effort.

    No one gets it. Not a single fucking soul. Should I just not talk about it to avoid confusion?

    I’m just so sick of thinking that no one will ever be able to relate, and that I’m trapped and alone in my experience. And I’m even more sick of finding evidence wherever I look that it’s true, and there is no hope whatsoever, and I’m going to have to be explaining this crap over and over and over to people throughout the rest of my cluttered unhappy life.

    The unspoken assumption is: ‘Well, Homer, you could just, you know.. do the dishes and stuff. And then you wouldn’t have to explain.’ And that’s the freaking point: I end up feeling like shit if I do the dishes, because the pain of futility and imperfection outweighs the delight in clean dishes. I end up feeling like shit if I don’t do the dishes because then there’s no clean dishes. And of course this is all in my head… THAT’S THE PROBLEM.

    So WTF am I supposed to do? I thought about hiring someone to clean for me, but that’s bux I might not really have, and I’d be obsessive and in their shit while they were doing the work.

    Fug.

Comments (4)

  • a dishwasher? Or would that cause problems with the stacking/unstacking?

    How about hiring a student, and make sure you don’t go into the kitchen while they are there?

  • Sounds like a tough problem. You do understand that people mean well, though?

    I hope that you can find a solution – maybe like Deevaa said, get hired help, and force yourself to go for a walk or something while they’re in there.

  • I’m in the same boat as you are, believe you me.  I’m not sure if you obsessively clean like a demon possessed maniac or not every year or two though, like I tend to do.  After completion, I don’t want to touch ANYTHING just to keep myself from turning the cleanliness into a pigsty again.

    The first step is the hardest.  The rest is mindless droning.

  • ..you could learn to accept the inherent imperfection of existence, and get by with “good enough”?

    …easier said than done, i know.

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