April 20, 2002

• I’m really frustrated with myself. I have cycles where I can deal for a while, and then for a while I’m less able to deal. With emotional stresses, responsibilities, my own inability to stay on track.
  
  I just want to bitch and moan about it. I want to have a pity party and bring you all along. I want to open the cracks and blab all about how difficult it is to just be me. But I’m sick of that. Sick of thinking about it.
  
  So on the one hand, I’m frustrated with all this stuff, and on the other, I don’t really want to talk about it, because talking about it just cements it more in place somehow.
  
  In other news, I went for a walk last night, up to a park on top of a hill that overlooks the sound. It’s a lovely place, looking down on Shilshole marina. It was about midnight. There were some people there, and as they got up to leave, I recognized their voices… It was the Media Night crew. Some friends of mine meet every Thursday to absorb media together; they’re currently working on something from ZBS, and in the past they’ve watched the whole Twin Peaks TV series a few episodes at a time, but apparently last night it was the sea lions down below the cliffs. We chatted. They left. It was amusing.
  
  Tonight I was cruising around in my car, and I ended up at the same park. I just sat in the car for a while, since it was late, and I didn’t want to attract the ire of the nearby homeowners. A limousine pulls up and parks, and about a dozen teenagers get out and start yakking to each other, acting up, making a lot of noise. The noise wasn’t what caught my attention though. It’s that these kids could have been anywhere, and they’d still behave in exactly the same way.
  
  And I guess that’s my cultural criticism for tonight. We seem to live in a culture of non-locality. That is, we seem to expect ourselves to be socially finite and static. We have an identity, which we build like a house. We expect that the house will never move; it’s built on a foundation. If we transplant the our identity, and take it someplace new, or someplace we only visit occasionally, we tend to try and make the situation fit our identity, rather than being open to newer and perhaps better possibilities.
  
  Like, deep, man. I’m too close to being in bed asleep to go further with it.

  • 5:47 am
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